Ctrl

Control is something I’ve struggled with, I struggle with. Even now as I write the urge to go scrolling on my phone overwhelms me and I have to keep myself in check. In every aspect of our lives whether it be inter or intra-personally, we often govern over our ability to make decisions and accept the consequences, but we sparsely realize that the control we believe we have is an illusion.

Ctrl, released in 2017 by SZA, born Solána Imani Rowe is a deeply introspective project about insecurity, autonomy and as the title suggests control. With the opening track “Supermodel” SZA explores her own identity, and tackles her struggles with her self image as well as the impact that her past relationships have had on her sense of self, something that most people, including myself, are able to relate with. She opens up about her experiences with self-doubt and personal growth while being in an unfulfilling relationship an experience that an often diminish ones feeling of control. Examining modern love and relationships SZA expresses her feelings of betrayal, heartbreak and sometimes love, often feeling a sense of contradiction, on songs such as “Love Galore” and “Broken Clocks” SZA sings about the push and pull of desire and disappointment, reflecting on a dating life that has been liberating yet filled with anxiety and the longing for something more, a feeling all too common in modern dating culture. But as she says “Can’t beat em, just join the party.

One of the things that SZA tangles with the most on the album is the delicate balance between both empowerment and vulnerability. Through her refusal to conform to societal expectations and her candidness. Her vulnerability shines through as she bares her soul on tracks like “Drew Barrymore,” where she grapples with feelings of inadequacy while also asserting her worth, with lyrics like “I’m so ashamed of myself, think I need therapy,” and as she  sings “I’m sorry” for not being more attractive, and more “lady like.” On “Pretty Little Birds” SZA reflects on the societal pressures placed on women of color and critiques the expectations placed on her while still grappling with her own sense of identity, the lyrics “You are but a phoenix among feathers, You're broken by the waves among the sea, And they'll let you die, they'll let you wash away, But you swim as well as you fly” a representation of empowerment that SZA tries to instill in herself.

Ctrl embodies the feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, and unsureness that encompass the life of a “20 Something” year old, “Ain’t got nothin’, running’ from love, Only know fear” SZA sings on the song “20 Something”, as she attempts to navigate the complex experiences of life including the insecurities, messy relationships, disappointments and the lack of control when growing up. These feelings are often attributed to our 20’s, the years of growing pains and coming of age, realizing who we are and what we want to do with our lives.

This year I turned 24, and as the day approached I felt a constant pit of anxiety, a fear rooted in getting older and feeling unaccomplished feeling out of control, but just like SZA, I’m starting to accept those feelings of being out of control. “That’s me, Ms. 20-something,” and moving forward. As Solána’s mom says as she closes out the album referring to control “And if its an illusion, I don't want to wake up, I’m gonna hang on to it, because the alternative is an abyss, is just a hole, a darkness, a nothingness, who wants that? You know?” The illusion of control may be just that, an illusion, a lie we tell ourselves so that we can push ourselves to create the lives we want so that we CAN be in control, I suppose it’s better than nothing, a complete lack of control yields not but chaos and fear so I guess if it’s an illusion, I’m going to hold onto it, because the alternative, is an abyss.

During the writing of this publication, a YouTuber by the name of “Spacial” did an amazing video essay on “The Harsh Reality of SZAs Life” and I implore you to give it a watch if you are interested in further appreciation of the artist. The Harsh Reality of SZAs Life (youtube.com)

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